Before I knew if I was having a little boy or a little girl, I had two dreams. In both of them, Harley was already born and a girl. I still wasn’t sure if I was growing a boy or a girl, but the dreams were interesting and when it turned out she was a girl after all, it was a cute little story to tell. Last night, I had another dream, and it wasn’t such a cute story.
I had a horrible nightmare last night, one that was probably born of my fears and insecurities. Basically, Harley was already born, and was sleeping with me and Dean in the bed. I woke up to find her dead. Actually, she didn’t look dead in my dream, she looked like a creepy, battered doll, but I kept crying in the dream that my baby was dead. Then I woke up with stiff fingers and a sore heart to my alarm clock all too early.
Needless to say, it was not a great way to start my day. I was worried and sad, and a little bit paranoid – could it be another message from Harley? Could it be a sign of something wrong?
It hasn’t been a wonderful day. I’ve been distracted and feeling out of focus at work, plus I got another awful email regarding stupid complex/trustee stuff (word of advice, never live in a complex!). But I decided at least on this front that I can take a different view of things. The devastation that I felt in the dream and upon waking is a good sign. It means that I’ve already bonded with little Princess Harley growing inside me. It means that I already love her so much for a dream like that to have such a profound effect on me. And it means that I might just be a good mother when she arrives, if I’m already so worried about her well being and she hasn’t even arrived yet.
So, instead of panicking, I’m trying to relax. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to know that there are scary things out there. I remember reading years ago Neil Gaiman said about his kids books that parents find them much more disturbing than the kids. The kids already know that there are monsters in the world, and books/stories are there to teach them that they can be beaten. So, this is my demon for today, and it’s terrifying, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be victorious. I’m allowed to be afraid, even if it’s brought on by a bad dream. I’m just not allowed to let the fear keep me from being awesome. And when little Harley is tossing and turning this evening and making me uncomfortable, I will take it as a reassuring sign that she’s still alive and kicking and waiting to meet her mommy.