It’s such a strange thing to become a mom. From one day to the next, you become a mommy. It’s not just about creating a life, it’s about all the mental, emotional and physical things that means. I wasn’t quite ready to define myself as a mommy. I mean sure, I had made a person, but all the things that go along with that title didn’t quite seem to fit. But they do now.
Harley hasn’t quite developed separation anxiety, a normal thing in the coming phase of her life, but it’s getter there. She’s now happy to see me, excited when I smile at her. She doesn’t scream right when I put her down or give her to someone else to hold, but she is increasingly aware of me, of where I am and what I’m doing. She can’t say mama yet, but I can see it in her eyes. She knows who I am, and she’s happier when I’m with her. And I adore being with her, too… most of the time.
And then there are the changes in me. My body looks like a mom body now. It’s something I’m determined to change at some point soon, to get back into fitness and feel like myself again, but some parts of my body are permanently changed. Dean and I agreed that we’d fix my boobs when we were done having kids, and I can already see how different they are now. Even how I feel about them has changed. I used to like wearing tops and dresses to show off my cleavage, and while I still enjoy doing so, my breasts just don’t quite feel like mine anymore. They aren’t a fun, sexy part of my body… at least not entirely. They are my little one’s food source.
Emotionally, that’s an even bigger change. I see that I am more sensitive to certain issues, even more empathetic than always. Yes, I always cared, but now I see everyone as someone’s baby, and that makes me care that much more. I also am so very proud of the smallest things Harley does. I feel myself ready to burst when I see her roll over or sit up, when she smiles at me. That’s the best, really – I’d do anything for her when she smiles at me.
She isn’t sleeping that great at the moment. Instead of the 4-6 hours I’d gotten used to of solid sleep, she seems to be struggling to go for longer than 2 hours at a time. I think it’s a growth spurt, or it might be this weather. But one thing is for sure, her favorite place to sleep is in my arms, and it’s just so ridiculously adorable and wonderful. With a cold front upon us, I’m happy to let her have cat naps on me, her feeling like my little baby, and me feeling like a mommy.