Have I made a horrible mistake?

the scream

This morning, I am feeling particularly happy and excited about the baby growing inside me. I love her already, and she hasn’t even entered this world yet. She is growing inside my body, but also seems to be growing in the size she takes up in my head each day. There are still moments when I stop thinking about being pregnant, about what’s going on inside my body, but then there are the reminders that make me think about her again. Usually, that’s a good and exciting thing, but last night was different.

After picking Dean up from work, I told him that I was taking him for a drink. We don’t do it as often as we used to, but it’s just nice to sit outside and talk to each other; if it takes the excuse of a beer in his hand to do it, then it works for me. We went to our complex clubhouse and he had a couple beers, I had some ginger ale and we shared a pub basket. We had some big laughs, talked about work and life and random stuff I don’t even remember, and then we went home. As usual for us, the evening consisted of me playing a review game in the lounge while he played his games and watched YouTube in the study. Whenever either of us had a break, we’d check in on the other before returning to our separate gaming. It was a really nice evening.

When I got into bed, I realized that evenings like that might become a thing of the past. Sure, we might still be able to still go for a couple drinks after work and just cart Harley along. We might still have quiet evenings filled with gaming and relaxation after a long day of work. Then again, she might consume all our energy and attention, especially in the beginning, to the point where I’m so exhausted and tired of being touched that getting into bed with my husband doesn’t include any cuddling, kissing or interest of any kind. All our focus might be on getting her to sleep, or eat, or play, or just spent playing with those chubby little toes. Obviously priorities change, and the new born phase won’t last forever, but I was overwhelmed last night with the terrifying thought – I might be ruining everything.

Okay, that was hyperbole. Sorta. But I am just so happy with my husband. We are so good together and our life is such fun. We decided to have a kid because we thought it would be a rad new adventure to go on together, but are we actually just ruining the awesome time we have now? I’m sure I will love Harley with my whole heart, and she will completely change how I even define love. I am so excited to do so much with her, so amped to meet her, to make this human and see how she interacts with the world, but I am also sort of terrified. This is going to totally change our lives forever. Do we even have any idea what we’ve gotten ourselves into?

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  • I think however well prepared you think you are you never are prepared enough. Kids change everything – but maybe for the best?

    • Zoe

      I hope so. I know so many people whose marriages took a serious knock when the kids came along. Then again, I’m not sure the marriages were so stable to begin with? Just hoping that when everything changes, it’s for the better…

  • My baby turned one in September. Although there are many changes and sometimes challenges, it also added a new dimension to our marriage. It is a new experience we have together and grow closer.

  • Liz Fulton

    Here I go again. I’m going to be honest and skrew all “I’m so in love” instagrams 😉 It changes everything. Literally over night. You begin to wonder what on earth you did with all the time you had before. Like, I actually took a whole 10 minutes to shower? Or they can just go to a movie now? Because they CAN? 🙂 BUT I don’t think it should ever be compared to times bc. (See what I did there? Before child? hehe) It shouldn’t even be thought of in the same thought. I found that when I did that it made me absolutely miserable. To be honest. I would get in the car to go home (with baby in her seat ofcourse) and think: “flip, bc I could just go plonk on the couch right now and even fall asleep if I felt like it.” But truth is, an entirely new ‘day’ starts then with a new baby. When I began to totally focus on the new adventure and literally put “what I would have been doing right now” out of my head, almost as if they were two separate lives – both amazing and exciting – I knew that I was beginning to settle into motherhood. Bad sentence structure aside – It really is a new life. For me it was like moving to a new town (as I have never moved counties) You miss your old home, your friends, your hangouts, your routines. For a while. You were comfortable and settled and you miss it. But then slowly but surely you realise that this new town is frikken amazing – in its own way. And that you couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. Focus on making a life in your new town – thinking about the old one will only hold you back from amazing adventures and memories! You occasionally go and visit your old “town” – but you have a new home, and Harleytown will be the best home ever. Promise.