It’s been odd lately how I don’t even realize that I’m having a particularly hormonal day until I start to cry over stuff that would never make me cry normally. Today’s realization came while watching the hilarious and thought provoking Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. I watch his videos every week and always adore them. This week’s one was as brilliant and hilarious as always, but it ended up making me cry.
I knew that I was feeling a bit sensitive today, but the hormones are really driving me nuts lately. I seem to cry for no reason, or over stupid crap. A couple weeks ago, I cried because I couldn’t find my absurdly gross and processed Kraft Mac N Cheese in the Spar that usually imports them. That’s right, I phoned Dean from the shops nearly in tears because I’d gone down every aisle and couldn’t get the mac n cheese that I wanted. I feel like the very definition of a pregnant woman/crazy person. And yet, there is some element of truth that is revealed when hormones are raging.
Years ago, I was in Jungian analysis. I can’t remember what was going on in that particular session that had upset me that week, but I remember shrugging it off and blaming the degree that it affected me as due to PMS and hormones. My shrink always had such a lovely way of putting things, and she explained that being hormonal doesn’t create feelings, but it does amplify them. I really was feeling angry or saddened by whatever was going on in my life, and maybe I wouldn’t respond as emotionally normally, but that doesn’t mean that those emotions wouldn’t have been there otherwise.
Beyond the strangely moving episode of the comedy show, I have been feeling more emotionally on edge. And yes, a lot of it is hormonal and some irrational ways that emotions get blown out of proportion as a result. However, there’s also the day to day stress that we all need that apparently is affecting me more than usual. I normally like to think that I have a thick skin, that I can handle anything. And yes, I can, but maybe I shouldn’t always have to.
While I will still write off the irrational craziness as a product of hormonal fluctuations, I do still try to recognize the emotions at the core of them all. I guess I’m just more vulnerable than usual at the moment, and I need to take care of myself and protect myself more as a result. Not just for me, but for Harley, too – it can’t be fun to be INSIDE the person crying for no apparent reason any more than it is to be married to the raving lunatic. At least this is just a time limited experience, right? My sanity should return after she’s born… once the sleep deprivation has ended, one day.