Is my baby torturing me? Not at the moment!

torturing pillory

We have ways of making you talk! Okay, I don’t, but the CIA and other agencies do. Enhanced interrogation, aka torture, can include a wide range of activities. Technically, torturing another human is illegal according to international agreements, but it still happens. Don’t worry, I promise this isn’t such a dark post on a Friday! You see, over on Cracked.com, they compared techniques for breaking down prisoners with activities performed by babies, and it’s kinda hilarious.

There are five techniques listed: sleep deprivation; solitary confinement; sound torture; stress positions; and food and drink deprivation. Sleep deprivation is unavoidable, although as I already explained I think I’ve adapted to Harley’s unique form of this. Yes, I’m still tired most days, but I usually hit my stride and I’m not so sleep deprived as to become moody or to impair my judgement or driving abilities. Perhaps Harley is torturing me, but she’s doing it relatively mildly. But what about the other techniques?

I have mostly avoided the solitary confinement. This one was very hard in the first couple weeks, but I do actually see other people. I take Harley to her massage class once a week, but there’s also more. I’ve learned how to maneuver with the pram so that I can go shopping with her, so I can leave the house rather than being confined to the house. Best of all, I have some awesome friends who understand that I might have to pause to attend to a crying baby, and they are still happy to come over for a glass of wine and maybe even hold the baby for a little bit so that I can relax. Yes, the stress positions thing is sort of true, but not exactly. I’m quite lucky that Harley is still rather small; even though she wants to be held a lot, she doesn’t weigh too much and I can usually find a position that’s comfortable for both of us. At least for now.

Sound torture doesn’t apply in the way described on Cracked. She doesn’t play the same thing over and over again just yet, although thanks to the discovery of this white noise video, she is calming down more easily. However, her shrill shriek when she is unhappy should also count as torture. I’ve gotten used to her normal crying noises and can usually figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it, but when she screams and makes my ear drums rattle, it certainly is torturous.

Perhaps the only one she truly excels at is the food and drink deprivation. Harley has the unique baby ability. She will happily nap or relax, until I try to put some food in my mouth. Then, nine times out of ten, she will wake up and start crying, requiring nursing or loving in some way, shape, or form. Every time I’m able to eat dinner uninterrupted feels like a major success, and if I manage to finish my two cups of coffee in the morning while they’re still warm it’s a sign of a glorious day ahead.

So no, my baby is being the good cop at the moment, not torturing me even if I am her prisoner. Of course, all of that might change when the next phase she goes through kicks off.

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