Maybe it was the postpartum depression, but I didn’t have that feeling of falling madly in love with Harley from the moment she was born. I loved her, but it was really hard in the beginning because I was so sick and she was in the NICU. Then we got her home and she was really difficult and it was a huge adjustment. But things have been getting easier with her, and she’s starting to show her personality, which is just such fun. Yesterday was a really hard day with her, and yet it was the day I finally had that feeling of being overwhelmed with love for her.
For those who follow the Wonder Weeks, Harley was in a leap week. She still sorta is, but yesterday was the worst of it – she was uncomfortable and upset and just seemed to cry the whole day. I had a lunch meeting, and normally I’d take her along with me, but I knew she would just scream and be a distraction and I needed to be at the top of my game. So I left her with her granny, and I felt horrible for doing so. Oh the joys of motherhood – so much guilt no matter what I do.
Anyway, Harley managed to sleep a bit in the afternoon and woke up feeling much better. She still wanted to nurse constantly, though. But she was smiling and staring at me and Dean – it was like we were the only things she wanted to look at. She was nursing pretty much every hour, which was draining but fine; at least she was keeping the food mostly down and was done being a crying screaming banshee.
And then it happened. She had fallen asleep on my boob and was sleeping peacefully in my arms. I looked down at her, like I had so many times, and I was so overwhelmed with love for her that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve loved her before now, but this was that feeling people have talked about, that moment as a mom when the world seemed to stop and I was in absolute awe of the little life Dean and I had made. I think she knew what was happening, too, because she sorta opened her eyes and smiled at me, then went back to sleep.
Parenting isn’t perfect. In fact, yesterday I felt like an absolute failure as a mommy. But then you get a moment like that, and it’s all worth it. All the issues of pregnancy, all the late nights, all the guilt and worry and frustration. All of that is fine because Harley is my precious little angel face, and I love her in a way words can’t describe.
The gorgeous bowl of Yoda-Harley pic is from a recent photoshoot I got to do with Yellow Lab. I will be doing a full write up soon, but couldn’t wait to share.