Turning my marriage into a threesome

wedding rings

I like to think that I know my husband. I mean, obviously, I know him pretty well. We have been together for about 8.5 years now, got married on our 5 year anniversary and there is no one in this world who I could spend so much time with and never get tired of. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a sappy post about how much I love the man I’m with – he and I don’t do those disgusting Facebook messages to each other proclaiming our unending affection for each other and I’m not about to use this blog for such a purpose.

Instead, I’m grappling with something new. I already know that I love my man, and I know that he loves me. I think I picked the right human to spend the rest of my life with – he makes me so happy, is supportive of my pursuits without ever undermining my own abilities, and he makes me laugh every day. So yeah, things are great and we are definitely rad partners. So, why am I changing everything by adding another human to the mix?

zoe and dean wedding day

I know I know, it’s not actually turning my marriage into a threesome. We are creating a new human, creating a life made out of the two of us. But I was watching this video from when Amanda Palmer visited South Africa and she talked about her absolute terror when thinking about adding a third person to her relationship with Neil Gaiman, that they were going to become a threesome. And while it’s not a totally accurate term, it does sort of make me wonder about how well it can all work.

Wow, that sounds awful. Let me clarify. I know that I will make it work, that Dean and I are ready to start a family, or at least as ready as any couple can ever be. I know that most of the experiences, good and bad, are time limited. So just as my crazy hormones are a pain at the moment, they will pass and we’ll move on to new strange and wonderful situations. But as I’ve read more and more articles, mommy blogs and stressed out Facebook posts, I am beginning to wonder just how well this partnership works when you add another person to it.

Granted, it’s adding a kid which is different from adding an actual third adult to a marriage, but it still has some of those side effects of a threesome. There’s split attention, jealousy, vying for love and affection and issues about who gets priority. I have always been able to love and adore my husband first and foremost, look after him and have fun together, knowing that he will look after me and all will be well. But lately, I’m finding myself looking after myself more, because looking after myself almost means looking after Princess Harley. Add to this the already absentminded crap of mommy brain (thanks for taking all my Omegas, Harley), and I wonder if I’m not neglecting my husband, despite my best intentions to give him even more attention than usual.

The scary thing is, everyone I seem to see, read about, whatever, is struggling to find this balance. I find people who are able to give their kids all the attention in the world, but have awful marriages. Or, women who are super moms, super wives, who haven’t had a moment to themselves in years and secretly rant to other women about how unhappy they are. I don’t want to be unhappy. I want to still have time to make my husband feel special, to still take time for myself, but is that even possible when you add another person (no matter their size) to the mix? I’m sure looking after the kid will make me happy, of that I have no doubt. I’m sure reading to Harley, playing games with her and doing all kinds of silly things together will open my heart in ways I can’t even imagine. But balance? Is that even possible? And what about the partnership that’s meant to be at the center of it all? How can that stay central to everything, when another creature is coming along and will need to take our full attention so much of the time?

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  • I can’t weigh in here because I can’t keep a boyfriend for longer than 2 months. But I’ve just spent a good few minutes catching up and reading your blog and I am so incredibly impressed my friend. What a beautiful story you are creating!

    • Zoe

      thanks so much friend! it’s so nice to be able to share this journey with the world. and don’t worry, before I met Dean the longest relationship I ever had was 1 year, and I was convinced Dean would be a fling 😛

  • Wayne

    The first while it is really all about the baby regardless how much you read or research you are going to be overwhelmed and unprepared. But that stage is a blur and you will get through it but prepare that you are going to neglect your other and yourself for a bit. Thereafter it is all about quality over quantity. Make the time but more importantly make the time count. All the best.

    • Zoe

      Thanks! yeah, i’m preparing to be pretty broken for the first few months/year or so. just need to figure out how to find ourselves again after that initial chaos.